Quick Thoughts - Arrowverse gen drabblesshorts
by PurpleYin
Summary: Collection of drabbles and shorts, for The Flash and Legends of Tomorrow (and briefly Arrow). Only gen/character/friendship, no shippy drabbles. A variety of characters will be included. Also taking prompts. Latest update - chapter 10 - Julian Albert focused.
1. Chapter 1: Dr Christina 'Tina' McGee

**Post-S1 set drabble. Tina knows some things.**

There are a lot of things they don't tell her, about Harrison, about S.T.A.R. Labs, about the danger that is routine for the city these days. She can't help but put the facts together, a puzzle made out of the data available. She knows things she shouldn't, things others wouldn't want to know. She finds it comforting though, to understand what is at stake. She still doesn't know what happened to Harrison though - that mystery, if solved, is not shared with her. But she knows who he was, what he wanted for the world. She still wants that too.

* * *

 **Post-S1 set drabble. Interviewing Caitlin.**

Tina is sure Caitlin Snow would be a fine addition to Mercury Labs. She's also sure that Dr Snow speculatively applying for a position here a fortnight after a singularity formed very close indeed to S.T.A.R. Labs is no coincidence. She watches Caitlin fiddle with a wedding ring she didn't have last time she saw her. Her application form only states her mother as next of kin, no spouse.

Of all the happenings Tina gets a mere glimpse of, this is one she most needs to know and least wants to ask. She decides it's a question for another day.

* * *

 **Post-S1 double drabble. Tina hires Hartley**. I like to headcanon him working at Mercury Labs in the post-2x17 timeline

Hartley Rathaway _is_ impressive. He has quite the reputation – generally not one that works in his favour. All she had been privy to previously was Harrison summarily firing him. When she prompts for an explanation of his employment history gap, she doesn't see arrogance like the gossip would have her expect. There's an anguish he tries to hide and a resignation.

"I can't tell you that." He gets up as soon as it's said, defeated.

"Does it have to do with your status as a metahuman?"

He turns, mouth agape.

"Our buildings are state-of-the-art. Including technology we don't like to advertise."

"You have metahuman detectors." It's a statement, not a question.

She likes that she doesn't have to spell it out, one test passed.

"If you're having issues with your powers, we can help."

He narrows his eyes, remains in the doorway, giving her the sense he might flee. "What would I have to do in return?"

She feels the echoes of Harrison Wells in his response, of the rumours Hartley's behaviour proves.

"Science, innovation, Mr Rathaway. That's all we strive for here."

For the first time since entering her office, he relaxes.

* * *

 **2x22 set drabble. Tina meets E2-Harry.**

She stares. Barry's words wash over her – talk of an imposter with Harrison's face, confirmation of the multiverse theory. She isn't uninterested, it's just that this Harrison looks so like the man she once knew. Older, wearier, but Harrison nevertheless. _Harry_ he's called. He's not their Harrison; long dead it turns out, she swallows that grief for later. Yet he's more Harrison Wells than the man she'd thought she knew and was estranged from for the last 15 years. When he introduces his daughter, she sees Tess in her, grateful one universe has the legacy of her friends' love.

* * *

 **4x12 set drabble. Tina's thoughts on that Kord Industries building.**

When she sees the headline – _Kord Industries metahuman-proof building vanishes_ – she can't help but feel a touch smug. Their overblown PR stunt, and its subsequent backfiring, only further solidified her stance on their own technology roll-out. Traditional security often relied on being known, a deterrent as much as an obstacle. Her view of metahuman security was rather... different. Villains in the city weren't deterred, they saw a challenge, and so the best course of action was to never issue one. Care approaching prospective clients and an NDA ensured villains remained baffled at their powers failing in select locations.

* * *

 **A/N:** If you'd like to suggest a prompt let me know which characters (maximum three) and then a word, phrase, picture or short dialogue line for the drabble.


	2. Chapter 2: Ray Palmer

**A/N:** Decided to expand this fic to be for Legends of Tomorrow characters too. Ray Palmer's turn first.

Ray drabbles/shorts, mostly early LoT S2 focused but with some other what if's - includes much angst and some whump too. Massive thanks to unwittingcatalyst for invaluable help betareading and talking through the ideas to improve them.

* * *

 **Ray on his and Sara's argument in 2x01**

He regrets the words, because he knows Sara is more than a killer. Her past doesn't define her anymore, not like his does.

Sara has learnt from her history, he realizes. She's more than her pain now, even as new pain flourishes and threatens to overtake her.

His is still worn on his sleeve, on the metal cuff that covers very little from his teammates. They know his pain, understand possibly better than he does by now. He'd thought he'd grown, but isn't Sara just reiterating what Oliver had shown him? A suit doesn't make the man into a hero.

* * *

 **Ray on others impressions of him**

They call him boy scout, haircut - as if his hair is never out of place, he wishes. They see him as stalwart, unable to accept anything less than the ideal. They make him sound like a perfectionist at times. He might admit to becoming a little obsessed with his work, but he doesn't get everything right. He tries though, again and again.

He shrunk himself by accident, he was declared dead – and no one realized, no one came to save him. If he doesn't get it right - the price for failure is too high. It's perfect or...

* * *

 **Ray about Amaya's words to him in 2x02**

It's not a consolation. _You're not a hero._ The sentiment echoes inside, reinforcing a fear deep within. He'd been able to accept he wasn't good at being a hero – it takes practice, experience counts – but the idea he isn't one, isn't capable of being one because he's relying on the suit, sits with him uncomfortably.

He looks again at the suit. Doesn't recognize the hours poured into it, times his brains and body were exhausted building it. He sees pure technology – how _anyone_ could fit inside and be something more than what they were destined to be.

* * *

 **Businessman Ray taking over Queen Consolidated**

It's a mask, he tells himself. He doesn't _feel_ confident but he doesn't have to be – he just has to look it. Play the part of Ray Palmer, philanthropist and tech-savvy businessman. If he can speak the right words he can cast a spell over the board – make them believe what he _knows_. He can do good here - he can be the boss these employees need _and_ the superhero this city needs. This is merely the mask he needs to don today in order to be the hero someday in the future. He can be that man.

* * *

 **2x04 Ray without his suit thoughts**

Science has always been comforting to him, something he'd had when times had been hard, when people had been harsh. Science had been a proof he was worth something when he hadn't felt he'd anything else to offer.

Science is all he has to offer now. That and his nutritional knowledge.

Science had built his suit. Science had led him to this ship. It had also led to his loneliness – in his 'death,' to his being stranded. Science sets him apart time and time again. And now, it sets him apart as only tech support, instead of a hero.

* * *

 **Ray's suit bringing a downside - whump (warning for self-sacrificing harmful behaviour)**

He feels dense for not seeing it sooner. Dwarfstar _is_ the densest material known to humankind after all. The suit takes its toll on his body and Gideon notices.

At first it's micro-fractures. It's a flaw of engineering, fixable. Gideon fixes him, he intends to fix the suit. Except he doesn't find an easy solution. That doesn't mean he stops using it. It's a small price to pay after all.

And then he does something stupid, something that goes above and beyond, beyond the tolerance the suit, and his body, has. He pushes it past his breaking point, something snaps, literally. But it's just pain - organic feedback - raw information. He does his best to get past it.

Gideon does her best too. He keeps using the suit, against her advice. Because people need him and he can't say no. He doesn't have time for downtime. A hero doesn't wait for his moment, neither does a villain. His _friends_ need him.

It's like another form of torture in a way, captured in the moments it overcomes him, but it's different because **he** chooses to keep going. Every time it seems worth it, another victory for the good guys, other lives saved. Until he breaks down in the night, a bone deep ache, the consequence he hides. But he's had worse, he reminds himself.

He convinces himself it's okay, manageable, forbids Gideon to say anything. They'd tell him to stop but he has it under control. He's healing with her help. _Always_ healing something. The injuries repeated, relentlessly. Where one recovers, another cracks under the pressure.

He pushes further. He stills the wince, silences the moan that should spring from his lips. He's a hero and he knows his place. Heroes have to make sacrifices. His come slow but sure.

* * *

 **2X05 Ray trying to fill in for Snart**

He puts on the goggles, everything looks wrong. In his heart he knows why – he's used to wearing masks but those were his own, not those that belong to others. This one will never fit, already moulded to another's face. Still, it isn't about him. He shoots, briefly gleeful because it appears to work as intended.

It doesn't work (it never could). Everyone involved knows it (doesn't want to admit it).

Try to be cool is Mick's mantra ( _Snart's_ mantra, passed on). It's not as easy as Ray'd hoped. Cool is as cool does, he finds himself thinking. But Ray never has done cool. He runs hot, fuelled with passion, enthusiasm threatening to burst his person at the seams. He's too much, he's _not_ restrained. He attempts it anyway, for Mick.

Mick said find the pain, darkness. Things to channel, because he can hardly channel Snart (it's second best, a bad plan no one points out). And it's not like he lacks for it, despite what others might think. But it's hard to tap into those, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to climb down into that pit and risk never being able to claw his way out.

* * *

 **Zari whump and Ray's reaction/anger at it (warning for violence)**

He sees Zari go down as he struggles with his bonds. _So much for being rescued_. She's out cold when the woman approaches. Just another underling, nothing special in comparison, but she looks at Zari with a gleam in her eyes. Ray doesn't like it.

She looks between him and Zari, takes a step back, then he's speechless as she swings her leg to kick. By the time he's cognisant enough to protest she's swinging for another with a smile on her face.

It's not for defence, or information, it's _because she can_. She keeps going until she's bored of watching him react – he can't hide his horror at the damage done, and for no other reason than _fun_. When he's left alone he throws up.

Eventually he manoeuvres his hands to rub against a loose nail and has his freedom. He jury-rigs a device to blow a hole in the side of the building, an impromptu escape route, readying himself, cautiously draping Zari over his shoulders.

 _She's_ on the other side, injured, because of him he thinks hollowly.

"Help me," comes the plea.

"I could," he admits, "But you're not my priority." Help _will_ come, eventually.


	3. Chapter 3: Cisco Ramon - post-Earth2

**Post-Earth2 thoughts on Reverb**

He looks at his hands and wonders what power is hidden in them. What is it he could do if he wanted to? He thinks at first he doesn't understand why Reverb would want to wield that, but upon reflection he understands exactly why.

It wasn't just love of science that drove him to excel in his field. He wanted to succeed, he wanted to achieve something they could see, that they could approve of. Approval never came, his family never understood. But they would understand power, they would fear it, unable to ignore him. He hates that he understands.


	4. Chapter 4: Cisco Ramon - post-Flashpoint

**Post-Flashpoint timeline – warning for grief**

Dante is dead.

A meta is attacking Central City, and Dante is dead.

Cisco runs the comms with precision – facts streamlined from screen to brain to his strained voice. Adrenaline makes his heart pound, then it is over, everyone – _almost_ everyone - safe, because Dante is still dead.

The adrenaline doesn't go away like it should.

Caitlin looks to him, concerned. Barry is looking to him too, a pained look (good, he thinks and doesn't correct himself) asking what they should call the meta. For once Cisco doesn't care. Words are meaningless now, everything except 'Dante is dead'.


	5. Chapter 5: Cisco Ramon - S1 betrayal

**Late S1 - eoWells betrayal thoughts – warning for canon MCD described & a lil swearing**

Cisco remembers things he'd _really_ rather not. Feeling a hand touching his heart, the light buzz preceding the choking sensation as it ceased to function. He knows that starvation, oxygen deprivation, the trauma deep inside his body that shouldn't be, wasn't in reality. How it would give up on him despite his protests, his will to live. It is a reality though, one he died through and one he can't get out of his head.

Some days he wants to scrub his brain out, forget it all. He knows there are drugs you can take for short-term retconning experiences, maybe with a few tweaks he could make it work a little differently, maybe Caitlin would help...

But no, he _needs_ to remember. That's what hurts. He has to, **needs** to know how his naivete led to this clusterfuck. It isn't a failure, it's a _learning experience_ – he's learnt to question his instincts, second guess who he trusts. It's painful exactly because he thought Wells was his mentor, a surrogate father, and if he could be so wrong, willing to sacrifice Cisco, then what about the others Cisco puts his faith in? Just waiting for their sudden but inevitable betrayal.


	6. Chapter 6: Cisco Ramon - a kid engineer

**Cisco on his childhood and family not understanding his passion for engineering**

Cisco is used to being the odd one out. Other kids asked for toys for presents, he asked for components and got blank stares. When that didn't work he asked for toys _to take apart for components_. He didn't look at the whole and see simple fun, or 'that's pretty', or even the start of a story. He looked at what it was and saw what more it could be, he saw the start of a saga, a whole world changed by something wondrous and new. He wanted to create, not with words but parts and pieces constructed into a thing bigger than the originals.

Dante wrote songs, _compositions._ His parents were proud of that. Cisco didn't get what was so different between that and what he did. Dante took the constituent parts and rearranged them, just like he did. Cisco tried to explain his projects weren't so far from those, he figured out where things went on a circuit board rather than a page but just like Dante, he made something new and greater than the individual parts. The difference was, Dante made melodies, easy to enjoy, _normal_. Cisco's were made of metal, inherently dangerous, monstrosities in their eyes.


	7. Chapter 7: Cisco Ramon post-3x18 & Cait

**Cisco after Caitlin is gone post-3x18**

Cisco had made a promise. The worst kind of promise, the kind that tears at your soul to agree to, but he'd made it. And Julian had broken it for him.

He protests, tells Julian what Caitlin had told him. Is _that_ the fate worse than death Savitar had foretold? In the end her wishes don't end up mattering though, she's gone. The necklace is gone too and with it hope. But she's not dead. The selfish part of him is thankful even as he berates Julian. Cisco wants Caitlin to live, can't stand the thought of another person in his life dying.

He watches _Killer Frost_ try to give Julian the ice-kiss of death – Julian actually leans in a little, as if he's mesmerised by her. Julian obviously still hopes that behind the cold visage it's Caitlin. Cisco knows better. He's seen Earth-2's version, feared her in nightmares that blend his own visions of Caitlin with that reality. Every time he wakes up with a chill racing down his spine at the idea of that future not yet realised but on its way to them. He's dreamt slightly changed versions of his vision for months. He knows it in and out, he sees how she isn't Caitlin and equally how she is. How she was when she was in the street that night, in the pipeline, caustic with her words to Barry.

Frost is everything about herself she hates. Cisco dreads her. Because Caitlin knows how to hurt him, knows where to hit him, what to say.

If she had died... his vision couldn't come true. How much is about her wishes, his promise. Is it ultimately a question of what he fears more; the loss of a friend or the introduction of an enemy who knows too much.


	8. Chapter 8: Cisco Ramon post-S3 Ray helps

**A/N:** Many thanks to unwittingcatalyst for betareading and talking through this, and the rest of the Cisco drabbles, to improve them. Quite a few of the Cisco ones, including this chapter's one, were originally shorter but I'd gotten convinced to write a bit more to expand a few of them, so you quite literally have more story because of her help. :)

* * *

 **Cisco and Ray – Post-S3/Pre-S4 - help with getting Barry out of the Speedforce.**

"The Speedforce isn't really my thing," Ray says with surprise showing on his face, a casual hand motion dismissing his value here. Cisco is used to Ray being like that, thinking someone else would be better if he isn't the foremost expert in the room, but Cisco also hopes his good manners will win out. Ray still agrees good humoredly, with only a little hesitancy, "but sure, I'll give it a try."

Cisco can see questions forming in his friend's mind – the 'why me?', 'what can I do?'. Cisco sticks to the science. Fortunately Ray doesn't ask anything other than what he needs to know, throwing himself into a crash-course on the Speedforce.

Ray stays as long as Cisco wants. He has all the time in the world. Ironic, because Barry does too, yet Cisco doesn't.

He knows that he could ask Tracy or Dr McGee, who would know more specifics, but he called Ray. To anyone else it's theoretical, a neat problem to solve, divorced from emotion. To them it would be conceptual, endless what if's spawned. Those things aren't bad exactly, but for Cisco it isn't constrained to the hypothetical.

His friend is AWOL, trapped. He knows Ray will get what that's like. Ray's been assumed dead, has been stranded with little hope of return to his time. Ray will know what it's like to feel abandoned, to be without his friends. It sounds horrible to Cisco when he thinks of it, but he needs that sensitivity at this precise moment. Barry has only been gone a month (Caitlin, or Frost, longer) but it feels like forever without the hope of rescue. He can't even vibe Barry. Ray may not fix things here, but he'll be another body next to Cisco whilst the loneliness stretches on.


	9. Chapter 9: Ray Palmer

**A/N:** Ray drabbles/shorts - one S2 related to Lily, a couple S3/4 focused related to Nora and a young Ray one too about his gluten intolerance.

Thanks to both Scylla87 and unwittingcatalyst for betareading. :)

* * *

 **Young Ray, socialising & gluten intolerance**

Ray doesn't get many invitation to parties. Everyone used to invite the whole class, so he'd get an invite too. As he grows up that's less and less true and he doesn't get to go to many. They have to be more selective, he thinks. They want their best friends there, like he would, it makes sense.

One of the things he hates about the parties is the food. Tables of fun snacks, where he has to ask first while other kids dig in. He's always waiting, missing out.

 _Find their mom, make sure it's okay._ But the other moms sometimes don't know, they forget what's in the food or what gluten is, and his way of explaining often makes their eyes glaze over, like they're not listening or can't hear him somehow. He's just a kid, they don't necessarily take him seriously. Or they don't care maybe, but he doesn't actually believe that, they're busy is all. No one wants to root through trash to find the ingredients list, he doesn't blame them. He's just one kid in a bunch and everyone else is easy to cater to.

Sometimes the food is served sitting down instead, which is worse. A plate gets placed in front of him, before it's snatched away as they remember he can't have that.

 _Only eat if you know it's fine_ \- that's what he's **meant** to do, but there's this wonder every time about what things taste like, things he hasn't eaten in years, practically forgotten. Especially tempting when he's not had them before, ever. There's the risk and the pleasure, but then there's the pain and the threat of being told off. Or worse, getting someone else told off, so Ray looks on longingly.

After a while he doesn't miss the invitations so much.

* * *

 **Ray 2x10 working with Lily and social scripts**

In business, success seemed to go hand in hand with an excuse to celebrate. People always wanted champagne or cake. Ideally both. People didn't usually want gluten-free cake, so Ray's used to going straight to the bubbly. He's not a big drinker but it's a drink with pizazz - it feels light and he quite likes it.

Tradition dictates caviar to go with champagne, except in situations it would be too ostentatious. On the Wave Rider they can have anything, anytime so why not go for the extravagant? Except he remembers, after suggesting it, it probably isn't suitable for this occasion. There's just him and Lily, which might give romantic implications he doesn't want – he thinks of Anna and Valentine's Day, how he bought her eight different kinds to taste-test.

Sure, Lily's great but he doesn't _know her_ know her. Plus, she's Martin's daughter - that seems kinda wrong and let's not go there, meaning he has to find a way to back out of the idea without being too obvious and embarrassing himself. But then Mick shows up, saying things he shouldn't and Ray would rather he'd stumbled over his own trivial words than let Mick speak, but it's too late.

* * *

 **4x01 Ray thoughts about Nora**

He doesn't expect anything from Nora. But Ray _hopes_.

It was just an idea, one he couldn't leave to the realm of what-if's – a concept he sought to make real, to find proof he was right to believe. He'd risked his life for Nora several times by then, but when he gives her the timestone he's risking more. He doesn't know it, doesn't know how, until the fear creeps in about the creatures, the thought he might have caused this break in reality himself, by letting her go free.

And Zari is right, Nora is dangerous, not merely for her magic but for how he feels about her, about who she could be. That person isn't hypothetical though, they've both seen who she was when she was younger. She can't be that girl again, but that girl can be in her, part of what's good that lives on after her father's sacrifice. At the end, Damien wanted life for his daughter – he'd realized too late the world he already had and neglected. Damien gave her the opportunity for a second chance and Ray followed through on it when he returned the timestone to her. If Damien Darhk could find it in him to give up his life for love then surely his daughter must have the capacity for more too.

Except days go by from the moment that had felt so significant. Then weeks, and months, without any word from her, no sign that she has taken what was offered. The vague expectation he has that she might visit to thank him is nothing more than a wishful daydream at that point. It becomes something deeper then, a desire to simply see her, see she used what he gave over. To see she knows she can have more.

* * *

 **Ray end of S3 on sparks and connections**

Ray is well-versed in following his gut instinct. So many of his inventions came from an idle thought, a curious wondering he followed down the rabbit hole when it was so infinitesimally small and winding down and around. Sometimes he failed of course, emerging empty handed with nonsense but other times, the times that counted, he emerged much later with it made bigger, made real.

When he feels the spark as he hands Nora the timestone, he knows there is _something_ there. What it is he can't say for sure, and he can't know when he doesn't exactly know her well enough to form any solid opinions. He has his belief and it isn't really any different for her than anyone else – there are few he wouldn't believe capable of good. He is certain, from briefly knowing her as a girl, that she has goodness in her and can find it again if she just tries. He hopes a different kind of spark will light that fire inside, to show her more than shadows on the wall – instead the ideals behind them, behind everything important.

But he does still think back to the spark he doesn't think he imagined between them and a different kind of hope flourishes with the memory of that moment. He doesn't know what will happen with Nora, to Nora – who will he find once she has found herself? He's as excited as he is fearful of being disappointed. Deeper than that, he feels capable once more, of finding connections. Not because of Nora but Nora's a reminder of how easily it can come even when he's not searching for one. That causes him to consider what he's already found, what she lacks that made him reach out to her – friends, his _family_.


	10. Chapter 10: Julian Albert

**A/N:** I'd had these in mind for quite some time and had the push to get them finished for my DCTVGen bingocard as I had a square for Julian.

Most of the snippets deal with Savitar's influence over Julian and his actions/reactions to that. I also try to flesh out what is known of his background in these but am definitely taking liberties with canon in relation to his sister in order to draw a potential parallel between them.

 **Warning** for themes of loss of control and mental health issues.

Many thanks to Shu for betareading and helping me tighten these up. :)

* * *

 **Julian's blackouts**

He wakes up on the floor of his bathroom with no idea what he last did. There's a vague memory of brushing his teeth. Running a tongue over them, he doesn't taste the mintiness he should find there.

It isn't like before, no glowy artifacts freaking him out to blame his passing out on. It isn't any less disconcerting. He could have hit his head if he was unlucky. No harm done though (he assumes).

Getting up the courage he goes to a doctor for a check-up – everything's essentially fine. His blood pressure is a tad high, quite possibly his nerves about the ordeal.

It happens again.

He comes to standing in an alley in the dead of night. Not passed out, not this time. He needs another explanation he hasn't got for what the hell is going on with him. Clenching his fists they feel strange, the sensation wrong. Looking down at his hands shows a shock of skin glinting wet in the scant light of the moon above. He moves under a street light to see better, letting out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding in when he confirms it's not blood.

 _Why would it be blood?_ he scoffs at himself. He knows though that's what he's been fearful of each time. As if the lack of literal blood on his hands is some proof that things will be okay.

There wasn't blood before, in India, and things were decidedly not okay then either. But it's a marker for how bad it could get, one that he clings to, hoping whatever he has potentially done it isn't violent. It could always be worse.

He won't let himself think of how many things he is capable that wouldn't leave a mark, at least not on him.

* * *

 **Moving to CC**

There are many good reasons for him to move to Central City. For starters, people who have inexplicable blackouts aren't exactly weird considering a sizeable portion of the city's inhabitants have superpowers. Becoming the CSI specialist for metahuman cases sounds like a nice change from _him_ feeling like the odd duck.

Not knowing why he has the blackouts or what he might be doing each time, if anything, makes him worried that the longer he stays in one place the more likely something... unpleasant will crop up - something like what happened at the dig site. He tries to bury that thought any time it pops up. He wouldn't ever admit it out loud but he's running scared, skittering across America under the guise of better job offers - career advancement he tells people.

There's another, deeper, undercurrent to it. An unconscious pull that might have been obvious if he'd thought to chart his progress across a map. He's _always_ been moving towards Central City. The decision clicks with him, lightens the load on his shoulders. And he can't see past his plentiful excuses to the real reason: relief at continuing his path of least resistance towards its inevitable conclusion.

* * *

 **Meeting Barry**

From the moment they meet, Barry Allen grates on him.

His voice is cheerful – too cheerful Julian rationalises. He looks happy, which Julian should not begrudge but it rankles him irrationally. Barry acts like he owns the lab Julian is assigned to as well, behaving as if he's graciously allowing Julian to share what is his instead of doing what he's told.

Within five minutes, Julian knows he can't stand Barry. He suppresses a groan at what he's gotten himself into. Grin and bear it. He wants this job, wants to be here.

To everyone else, Barry is a stand-up guy; Julian's problem mainly turns out to be that Barry stands up _and_ buggers off a dozen times a day. Sometimes he simply turns around to find Barry vanished, no explanation given.

Once Julian realises how casually – _disrespectfully_ \- Barry treats his work and hours he doesn't bother trying to shake his annoyance. It's clear Barry has no regard for punctuality, nor following protocol about breaks or food in the workspaces.

It's veritably easy to hate him when Julian racks up all the rules he's broken. That's so much easier than re-examining why it was so effortless to hate Barry in the first place. Because in a sense it doesn't feel like he's _just_ met Barry, but Julian isn't one to believe in past lives, that wouldn't fit with his stringent scientific perspective. Neither does his dislike of Barry entirely fit with how he usually reacts to such situations. Normally he has it in him to be less of a stickler about the rules in aid of departmental harmony, but not this time. He can't let go of the anger, rising up inside at the sight of the man. So instead he bends the facts to his view.

* * *

 **Questioning his sister's illness/death**

They never talked in any detail about Emma's delusions. It was hush hush in the family, him and his parents receiving pitying looks from most of his other relatives. His parents got her special care, the best they said - kept her safe, secreted away. Busy with his dissertation, he could only visit occasionally. She would fluctuate between seeming perfectly normal - talking about the tennis or her latest read - and looking past him, _through_ him, babbling fragments that made little sense.

After she got worse, after she died, no one talked about what had happened at all. They considered it a tragedy - it was - her taken so young. They brushed it off as unfortunate, unexplainable.

Many years later, after he's seen much to expand his worldview to include the impossible, he realises he never considered what happened. He got lost in grief, and then his work, and there were no easy answers. Now he reconsiders why - he thinks back on how strong she was, how long she held onto her clarity. He tries to recollect what she used to say...

It isn't too hard with Cisco's help to get access to Emma's medical records, NHS _and_ private. Cisco comments about it being weird, especially with her long dead, but he doesn't refuse.

Julian scours the notes, listens to the session recordings obsessively. He looks for sense where he thought there was none. There are things she says that make it hard to swallow with the implications. Was she Savitar's first victim? Was she strong, resistant, where he was not? Or is he just looking for a false meaning in the stream of consciousness that is captured there.

The worst thing about it all is, there are still no easy answers. He will never know definitively.

* * *

 **Finding out about Savitar's origins**

Barry is Savitar. It sounds absurd to him; as time travel does as a whole.

Another Barry, _in his head_. A Barry puppeteering him across time, across dimensions. From the bloody Speedforce.

Because of that damned stone he was intent to dig up. Momentarily he blames himself before he remembers he never had a real chance against those kinds of pseudo-mystical forces. Savitar is to blame.

It's weird to think of Savitar as Barry. Not the Barry he knows, but clearly if Savitar knows what they will do, he shares Barry's memories – Savitar knew him. He had the advantage, playing on Julian's insecurities. Maneuvring him like a pawn.

He hates it. Of all the explanations possible it's the most infuriating. _He had no choice._

But it's freeing to learn it too. He had no choice. It was never really him.

It wasn't your fault, Barry said, undoubtedly blaming himself.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Caitlin said, even as she struggled with _her_ demon inside.

A part of him will probably always blame himself. Doubts about his willpower, how he could have faced up to the truth earlier. Now he has the evidence to strike back at those doubts.

* * *

 **3x15 using his connection to Savitar**

When he disappears from his mind, it's like dropping into a void. One he's afraid he won't come back from as intended.

He has a place on the team and it isn't conditional on helping them contact Savitar, he _can_ say no. Fear makes him want to – he does at first - panic rising at the thought of facing that cliff once more and the way they'll look at him, the mouthpiece for their doom. But ultimately he can't refuse. They need him, the only one who can get them answers about Savitar that they have remarkably few of so far.

As he closes his eyes his last thought is what he's been ruminating on lately. The potential he has inside, a possibility he's most scared of these days. _What if I hurt them?_ Hurt the friends he didn't know he needed until they stood up for him _..._ He's sure he could hurt them, or rather, Savitar could. Julian would be powerless to stop him, not aware of the hurt inflicted unless they tell him.

When he resurfaces, their faces are sad, angry: nothing new. Anything he's said unknowingly isn't the root cause. Savitar's words are only reminders, taunts.

* * *

 **The masks he's worn**

He's worn a lot of masks already in his life.

Growing up he wore that of the dutiful son – taking on the role of the polite socialite, trying to behave properly. Yet his actions were incongruous with the attempt, they didn't add up right because he never figured out all the unspoken rules. He always slipped up and the mask would make a mockery of him.

He played at model student too, fighting through early years of divided focus and awkward group projects to get to the topic he truly cared about. The easiest mask to wear was that of confident researcher, not so far from the truth, simply exaggerated. Polishing up his enthusiasm, getting it in order, presentation key to getting the all important funding for his projects. He almost felt like he belonged there.

After Emma died his family broke apart and he sought another; finding refuge in the military. Utilising the visage of calm medic, he kept some order in the chaos of battle. He saved people, as close to being a hero as he felt he'd ever be. Until he saw her, begging him to finish the research he'd started years ago.

A darkness was cast over his life from that night on. He played the eager researcher again, but his sole goal was the stone. The illumination it provided casting further shadows into the corners of his mind. Who he was when he found it so far from who he wanted to be. A brother who had failed his sister. A coward who ran.

Then came the time hiding from his wretched destiny. Wearing the camouflage of a normal man, the expat wishing he were home – pretending to be anything more convenient, anything other than what he was. Panicked. Afraid of going home for discovery of what he _might_ have done.

He knows nothing of his time as Alchemy. His actions revealed by the after effects – the husks. All Savitar leaves for him to find is the costume.

On Team Flash, his secret's out, it's the first time in years he hasn't felt like he's lying. They didn't like the person under the cloak he cast off, but it was a respite nevertheless. Eventually they warmed to him, once they grew to understand his ways and he theirs. He was barefaced after an age of wearing mask upon mask. Just Julian now. Prickly but on their side, and they on his.


End file.
